His words rang in my ears with a truth I might not have agreed with even a year ago. We met up in December, he taking a bit of a break from his overseas work, and I having a little more time on my hands due to winter break. We were discussing life away from the spiritual infrastructure we have thus far known and enjoyed. Friends, family, and church who normally sharpen us, hold us accountable, and lift us up are no longer near at hand. Suddenly, we are almost entirely responsible for our own spiritual well-being. The results shocked us.
It is truly amazing how much the choices and actions I have thus far made in my life are influenced by the people around me. Nothing like leaving everyone and everything you've ever known, culture shock, and a high intensity overseas lifestyle to bring you face to face with who you are.Whatever came with you is your 'junk'. I must admit, I shocked myself with some of the choices I made. I became unpleasantly aware of my deepest weaknesses.
There is a lot that can be excused under the label of 'cultural adjustment'. In my down time, I turned to movies, which had formerly been a rare treat in my life. Then in a classic move of stupidity, when movies failed to bring the entertainment and cultural reprieve I sought, I added more of the same. It took quite a while for me to come around and realize that what this heart was really yearning for was more of God.
Why? Why does a girl who's heart is turned toward God move overseas to do His work, and realize herself such a miserable failure? Why, when I should be at my spiritual highest, do I find that there are still the same old struggles of setting aside quality time, rather than plowing through 'devos'? What is the secret to the secret place?
Now please don't read the above and think I've given up. There could be no falser statement. But I am honestly working through the reality of my own humanity and my desperate need of grace. I'm learning to identify and find ways of meeting my own spiritual needs. I'm leaning on God to shape me into who I ought to become. It seems that the expectations I and others had of me are not completely right or helpful.
So what is the right way to do this? How does one survive spiritually when removing themselves from much of their spiritual support, and placing themselves on the front lines? In this place I have some friends and a church, but will the next place I go have even that? When we clearly know that 'it is not good for man to be alone', why do we send them to places where they are spiritually, culturally, and emotionally alone? Is it spiritual suicide to send even the most passionate people to the mission field?
