I am not who I want to be. I am not good. I am not noble. I am not
a self-sacrificing, humble, diligent, wonderful person. I am not fearless. I am not sinless.
In me there is no good thing....
After a busy week of work, learning, late nights, and coffee, I was living on the spiritual energy of weeks past. My times of devotion were motivated from habit and discipline rather than from passion and love. Again my depravity slapped me in the face. My priorities took a nosedive and my choices became sickeningly self-centered.
I cannot do what seems right...
I find myself making choices that do not live up to my standards. I discern in my voice and actions attitudes that I despise. Entertainment becomes a substitute for godly joy. Somehow, just as physical hunger pains vanish after three days without food, godly appetites tend to disintegrate on about the same schedule.
Shifting perspectives creep up on me....
Suddenly, without my knowledge, I'm looking through life's binoculars the wrong way. Everyone and everything that should be important seem distant, and at once, I find that I am the biggest thing in my life. My own self is so grossly out of proportion that I find it frightening.
The realization overcomes me....
I'm humbled. Astounded. Once again caught off guard by this sinful, human heart that cannot, of itself, seek God. Shattered. Realizing again the critical role that sustaining grace plays in every moment of my life. Incredulous. Trying to comprehend the sort of love that sustains a relationship which, if viewed honestly, consists of one Great God giving, and one lowly human taking. There is no balance in this relationship. No give and take. All giving and initiating from one side, all responding and receiving from the other.
And yet He persists.
My dear Melissa, Your insights are so profound and I hesitate to tell you because this entry shows how much you want to be humble. But you've reached a place few Christians reach and that is knowing that they cannot do and be what God wants of them and we just have to receive everything, even our very lives from Him. I was always taught self-denial and many ministers said that was to always agree with them and forsake my own opinions and desires. But that isn't it; self-denial is realizing that I can do and be nothing in Christ unless He does these things in me and thru me. Thank you for your race; I'm learning thru your experiences. --Patty Jerving, Milwaukee, WI
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