There are Times....

There are times I look out the back window, and see a palm tree, and I cannot believe that is normal.
              When I realize that looking for snakes while walking down my road is a new
               normal.
              When the person driving me home pulls the car over to pick up a coconut on the
               road.... Breakfast, clearly. But that's normal.
              When picking exotic and beautiful tropical flowers on the walk to clinic is just
               another day.

There are times when I climb into a jeepney with 18 Filipinos and smile at the little girl across from me because I'm the only white person.
               And when I watch that dapper fellow help the sleepy 5 year old off the jeepney
               and swoon  just a little.
               When I walk into the mall and see the elderly man being helped along by his
                loving daughter... also normal.
               When I stare at that white person, and wonder what on earth they're doing
                here... until I remember, I'm white too.

There are times I think I am literally boiling in my own sweat.
                The times when one fan blowing on me is not enough.
                Times when I consider the shade of a telephone pole a welcome relief.
                When I dry off from a shower, but I'm still wet... with sweat.
                Times when I wake up prematurely, because the sweat dripping down me tickles.

There are times when I love long walks on sunny but breezy days, and I have little to carry.
                And when my shoulders hurt from carrying my 30lb backpack for my 23 minute
                walk each way to the clinic... 2-4 times a day.
                When a motor bike or bicycle sound like they would be the greatest invention of
                all history.
                When my gigantic sun hat is the only thing that makes the walk bearable.
                 And when I feel very Filipino with my sweat rag in hand.

There are times I love the hustle and bustle of people and life all around me.
                 And times I want to hear only silence for a moment.
                 When the next horn that beeps at me, or the next guy who yells will push me
                  past my limit.
                 When I can't understand everything being said to me.... even when its in
                  'English'.
                 Times I wish language wasn't so isolating.

There are times I really NEED to create something.

So I do....

On Questions...

I have a lot of questions. A lot of things about this life, that I really don't understand.
"Why God?" I sometimes ask.

It burns in me to know why He allows some of the things He does. Why humans who are living very sinful lives, and hurting others, live on with no immediate judgement. Yet Christ-followers, who are doing so much for others, are hit with one trouble after another. Why?

I don't understand why there are very hard working people, who barely make it meal to meal, while there are lazy rich people. Why?
 

Why are there stories like this one, from one of my co-workers. Lives ended before they began, and grief left in their little wakes. Why?

Why are there so many Christians who say they believe in eternal judgement for sin, yet they take no action to warn others. Why? 

Why must I see so many hurting people, and touch so many lives when I can do so little? Must I feel this pain with every beat of my own heart? Why?

Why do I have unfulfilled dreams, and desires for things I cannot have right now? Why?

Why have You allowed me at times, to hold a dream in my hand, to turn it over and evaluate it, asking for direction... hoping.... And then You asked me to give it back to You? Why did You let me see it, and desire it in the first place? Why?

But sometimes.... I don't want to understand.

Sometimes I only want to understand the parts of God that fit in my brain.

Sometimes I don't know if could make it, if I really understood. These mortal brains cannot comprehend the eternal justice and mercy of an immortal, omniscient, omnipotent God. I think it would break me.

Sometimes I want to just continue as I am... In a comfortable place, and not to really seek to know God.
Because I don't always want to pay the cost.

I don't always want to feel the growing pains. And sometimes, I want God to be who I think He should be. I really don't want Him to step outside my box. But He usually does.

Sometimes, learning to let go of my understanding of God, and expand my view, requires great pain and sacrifice. I've been feeling some of that. Lately, thought, I feel as though one of the ways God is expanding my understanding of who He is, is through great blessing. I find myself continually unable to grasp His goodness to me. For this I rejoice.

I look at His unmatched goodness to me. These little gifts and joys He's put in my life.

And again I find myself asking... Why?

On the Things I Wouldn't Trade...

So a few weeks back I wrote a post on things I missed. Now, here is more of what I love about my new home.

I think it is really fun to cross the road. Although at home this activity was not particularly stimulating, I have encountered entirely new methods since living here. The goal is to not get run over. It is normal, however, to have your life flash before your eyes multiple times while crossing a four lane road. The trick is to take it in parts. You will never find an opening large enough to make it all the way across in one shot, but if you take it one lane at a time, you're good as gold. Look both ways? I think not. You look the one direction until you get across the lanes coming from that direction, then you start looking the other way. One step at a time... literally.

I love shopping in the open market. I love that you can bargain for all your food, and that you know the people you buy from. I love that things are only available when they're available, and you have to plan meal substitutions on the fly. And most of all, I love being a part of these people's lives as I talk to their children and make faces at their babies. I love that I work at a place that has actually helped many of their babies come into the world.



I really love the food. Whenever I have the choice, when Mcdonalds or KFC is an option, I find  myself instead, searching out the little Filipino  food stands and eating rice, pork on a stick, or squid. I find myself asking where the locals eat, and enjoying the adventure of not knowing exactly what I'm eating. The flavor is wonderful! I actually crave rice if I haven't eaten it in a day or two.





Just look at these options, will you?! Fried eggplant, stewed chicken livers, intestine,curry, egg drop soup, seafood.... So much goodness in one place!









I like to ride Jeepneys.What is a Jeepney? Well, its only about the most common form of transportation around. For 8 pesos, or roughly 20 cents, you can ride along as far as you wish. The neat thing about Jeepneys is that they will stop and pick you up anywhere along their route. Here, it is very normal for people to stop in the middle of the road,  make a turn across a couple lanes of traffic, or just drive across an intersection without waiting for a break in the cross traffic. So, you flag one down, hop on, and hold on for dear life! One of the perks is that you get to meet cute kids like these.

Another, is that you get very close to the culture. These vehicles are roughly the size and shape of a mini-van, many are smaller. Average capacity ranges from 17-25 persons. The benches run the long way, with a single aisle up the middle, and a handle overhead. You must aim for the open spot on the bench and wiggle your hips in... full body contact with the people on either side of you. It is customary for people to scoot when the Jeepney pulls over for a new passenger. However, for some reason that is not extremely logical to me, they always scoot closer to the back of the Jeepney.
Practically, what this means is that instead of just hopping in and scooting onto the bench at the end, you and all your baggage must crawl across every set of knees, all the way to the front of the bench where the open spot is! If you are the first one off, you repeat the acrobatics upon disembarkation. An additional bonus of being tall, is that you often sit knee to knee... or beyond... with the person across from you. It truly is a full contact scenario. It's really great though, because anywhere you decide you want to stop, you just knock on the top of the vehicle, or call out, "Diri lang." (just here) and they pull over for you! I'm convinced that we need Jeepneys in the States.

 I love the people I work with. We have adventures such as the midnight changing of a lightbulb...


And my supervisor is so very skilled... I have so much to learn!
I love to help little people into the world. I love that every shift I see precious new life. I see families being born, daddies crying, mommies smiling, and babies breathing their first breaths. This is above and beyond what I could've ever asked for, and I LOVE MY LIFE!!!