On Questions...

I have a lot of questions. A lot of things about this life, that I really don't understand.
"Why God?" I sometimes ask.

It burns in me to know why He allows some of the things He does. Why humans who are living very sinful lives, and hurting others, live on with no immediate judgement. Yet Christ-followers, who are doing so much for others, are hit with one trouble after another. Why?

I don't understand why there are very hard working people, who barely make it meal to meal, while there are lazy rich people. Why?
 

Why are there stories like this one, from one of my co-workers. Lives ended before they began, and grief left in their little wakes. Why?

Why are there so many Christians who say they believe in eternal judgement for sin, yet they take no action to warn others. Why? 

Why must I see so many hurting people, and touch so many lives when I can do so little? Must I feel this pain with every beat of my own heart? Why?

Why do I have unfulfilled dreams, and desires for things I cannot have right now? Why?

Why have You allowed me at times, to hold a dream in my hand, to turn it over and evaluate it, asking for direction... hoping.... And then You asked me to give it back to You? Why did You let me see it, and desire it in the first place? Why?

But sometimes.... I don't want to understand.

Sometimes I only want to understand the parts of God that fit in my brain.

Sometimes I don't know if could make it, if I really understood. These mortal brains cannot comprehend the eternal justice and mercy of an immortal, omniscient, omnipotent God. I think it would break me.

Sometimes I want to just continue as I am... In a comfortable place, and not to really seek to know God.
Because I don't always want to pay the cost.

I don't always want to feel the growing pains. And sometimes, I want God to be who I think He should be. I really don't want Him to step outside my box. But He usually does.

Sometimes, learning to let go of my understanding of God, and expand my view, requires great pain and sacrifice. I've been feeling some of that. Lately, thought, I feel as though one of the ways God is expanding my understanding of who He is, is through great blessing. I find myself continually unable to grasp His goodness to me. For this I rejoice.

I look at His unmatched goodness to me. These little gifts and joys He's put in my life.

And again I find myself asking... Why?