Africa... Visited.

My travels in Africa look somewhat like a dot-to-dot. We were a little here, a little there, and a smidgen of time between the two. 

Who is we? Laura, a friend I trained with in the Philippines, came to with me. We visited three teams in four cities in addition to catching the sweet baby for whom we were originally summoned. Timing throughout the trip was perfectly ordained by God. 

Us with Sahara, the baby we caught, and her mother

As planned, Laura and I had the privilege of attending the birth of Sahara, born in the middle of a Saharan sand storm. Her birth was perfect and beautiful, and all of the things we asked God for were granted. Because we were so far from any decent backup care, we prayed for a complication-free delivery, and God came through.

Laura and I painting a house

In the next town we visited, Laura and I were able to help another family get closer to settling in their new house. We painted the entire inside of the house in two long days! We were so clearly able to see God's timing there as well, because the family was unable to hire local help.

One of the families we stayed with

Next, we stayed with a family who is doing language learning in one of the bigger cities in the area. While there, we met orphanage workers and other volunteers from several different organizations. We were also able to visit a premature baby to give additional care and support to that family. 

Evaluating a Premature Baby

Finally, we spent some time in a third city further south. There, we were privileged to give a health teaching in a settled Nomad village. We taught woman about some of the common complications surrounding childbirth, and we gave them some simple solutions. At the end of this time, we shared a Bible story with them. As the team is new there, and focused mostly on language learning, this was the first time a health outreach and spiritual outreach had been combined. What joy to be there for that special 'Grand Opening'!

Introducing Women's Health and Jesus in a Nomad village

Overall, Laura and I both came back with a desire to seek God as far as long-term work in Africa. We saw His hand of provision, protection, and planning throughout our trip, and we saw the great spiritual and physical needs that He has equipped us to address. We ask you to pray with us as we pursue a long-term commitment to working in Africa.

One Baby at a Time...

That's how I'm seeing the world. One baby at a time. When I left the Philippines and entered another season of waiting, I prayed that God would provide opportunities for me to serve His people with midwifery. A week after that, I had the privilege of attending the birth of my friends' firstborn son. Three weeks later, I was in Honduras for a birth.

December found me in Georgia with dear friends, welcoming their daughter, and January has had me working alongside a midwife in Kentucky. Has the Lord answered my prayers? You be the judge.


I received the message below from a patient in the Philippines. These are the sentiments that make my job worth it.

jan, 19 2013 ur my midwif of my child,, now my child is 2yrs old ,,thank u u are the 1 helping me in my labor,,

Laura is the other midwife in a headband.

And now, I fly again. To a new continent and a new country. To a family in Chad, who is bringing Jesus to their neighbors. To a Momma who needs a midwife for her 6th baby. The plan is that I will travel with a good friend who worked alongside me in the Philippines. We plan to visit several other teams in the country while we're there. Both Laura and I are praying about whether God would set either or both of us in a team there.

So I'm off to see another part of the world. Tour de Bebe. To see another set of prayers answered for myself, Laura, and the family to whom we are sent. 20 days from now, I will board a plane for 1.5 months of Africa. Blessed be the Lord, who fills my heart with desires, and then grants me the desires of my heart.

The In Betweens....

The in betweens of life are the times we seem to want out of the most. They're the times in which we feel suspended, lost, and lacking direction. The times we spend pursuing a degree, waiting for a dream job, forming a little one within us, growing up, figuring out our next steps.... the becoming that we lose track of for always pursuing the end goal. The cliche journey vs. destination conundrum.

But I think these in-between times make up most of our lives. I'm coming to believe we need to embrace these times the most closely, because they make up so much of our histories. This is the stuff lives are composed of. To find joy and contentment in the in-betweens is a delight few know and many should learn.


This thing called waiting is one of those lessons I keep getting. Either I've failed to learn, or I'm failing to retain, but it seems to come around at least as frequently as the purposeful, intentional, goal-focused living that is the stuff people think life is made of. Yet that elusive dream of a structured life so often keeps me from living well the pieces that are set before me.

Pastor Jerry in the striped tie, now with Jesus

I'm reminded to enjoy the in-betweens as I grieve the loss of one of my Philippine pastors, Pastor Jerry. He turned 50 at the beginning of December, and he is survived by his wife of 2 years, and his 1-year-old baby girl. If he'd waited for those monumental things in life, rather than living his in-betweens, there wouldn't be so much living to his life. Who knows when our time is up and our name will be called? How can we measure the importance of our lives in events, achievements, and goals?






In so many ways I find myself in a major in-between time just now. I'm striving to live each day thoughtfully, purposefully, and prayerfully. I have hopes and dreams which may develop into goals and achievements, but I'm insistent upon living the now with intention. While idealistic thoughts and dreams for the future should drive me forward, they are actually a hindrance when they interfere with a fruit-filled today. So while I plan to keep dreaming and anticipating, I'm also learning to make the most of my in-betweens.

I must work the works of Him who sent me while it is day. The night cometh when no man can work. John 9:4

Next Stop Honduras...

My cute little white boy

There are so many ways my life could go next. This incredible, uncertain way of being is sort of frighteningly wonderful. Although I have no long term plans, I have graciously been provided another baby-catching opportunity. Monday, I fly to Honduras to assist in the birth of a little girl. Lord-willing I will stay three weeks with the family, helping them welcome their second child.

A little about the birth of this little boy pictured here. He decided to initiate me into Certified Midwifery by making his entrance into the world backwards, which rather surprised me. Then, to make life even more exciting, he delayed breathing for over 5 minutes. I don't think I have to tell you that a lot of prayers went up. As I pumped air into his tiny lungs, I just remember saying, 'God, you are the creator and giver of life, I cannot give life to this child. Please let him breathe and give life now!' The mercy of God toward us was overwhelming, and God did just that, He gave life to this cute little white boy.

I cannot think of a better way to attend my first independent birth. God gave wisdom and helped me remember my training, but ultimately, He was the only one who could come through for this child. I have such a poignant example of how I need Him in every birth, in every situation. Even more importantly, I can so clearly see His faithfulness in being mighty to save. These are things that can so easily be taken for granted. He is the faithful God who keeps His promises and acts mightily on behalf of His children.

First white baby I ever caught

It is gracious of God to have me in this brokenly-whole sort of place. I see Him directing my every step. In some ways, coming back to the States makes me feel stripped of everything, lost, and broken. In other ways as I can look back and see where I've been, I feel so whole and confident in who He has made me and the things He is doing in me. And so I find myself both whole and broken in the same instant. While life goes on, I see how my whole story is very much a becoming-sort-of-thing rather than a being-sort-of-thing. Also, super yay for Honduras, because the thought of adjusting to another developing nation is in many ways less intimidating than adjusting back to the States.

So yes, God is moving and working in my life. Questions abound, as does His grace. He is daily guiding me and purging me, and I WILL see the faithfulness of God as these next steps continue to unfold. So many decisions and so many blessings all at once. And this heart is overwhelmed on both accounts. But I know in Whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that it's all gonna be worth it.

It is Finished...

It is finished. This journey to become a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM). I'm trained now, though still with plenty to learn. And what a happy thing! I'm done with my huge exam, done with my Philippine training.

"What's next?" You may ask. That is exactly what I'm trying to figure out. I desire to 'go into all the world'. It is merely a matter of when, where, how, and with whom. And God, in His perfect time and way, will reveal that. Until then, I'm here waiting. I'm rejoicing with my sister in her upcoming marriage, helping with wedding plans, and I caught myself a cute little white boy.

Yes, I'm knocking on doors, and yes, I have many huge decisions to make. And yes, I'd love to continue to have you lift me up in your prayers. Much love to all! I'll keep you updated as the next adventures begin to unfold.

On Final Days....

My final days in the Philippines were filled with such sweet sorrow. 'Babies' I welcomed, now children, walking, talking, so grown up! Friends and co-workers who have become like family to me, goodbyes... some that will never be 'hello's again in this life. On my last Sunday I wrote this:






Crawling to the throne of Jesus,
Lying at His feet in silent plee.
Surrendered, Surrendering, Empty.

Empty as I should be.
No plans, no control.
Offering me, it's all I have.
Waiting for His dreams to take root in my heart.

Lying prone, the ultimate surrender.
He may do what He will, I offer Him control
This prison of freedom to which I've succumbed.

And yes, its uncomfortable.
But oh! Such peace.
That His will may be my goal.

Then a wonderful visit in Manlia with these friends and their children. I jumping off point, a last, sweet farewell until the next country that brings us together. A Sunday church service. A heart's prayer in the form of a song.

Jesus at the Center
This has become my song and prayer for this next, uncertain season. Jesus, be the center of my life.

Who am I?

Who am I?

It's like the great question of all time. I think most people spend significant portions of their lives trying to figure this out. What people don't seem to 'get' is that in real, alive people, that is constantly changing. So is our image of who we want to become. Sometimes we don't realize how much it is shaped by our decisions as well as the influences in our lives. And how little we really do understand ourselves.

Lately, I have been going through an identity crisis. I'm just putting that out there, all honest and stuff. See, my time here is wrapping up, and while I still see my life calling as one of missions, does one really identify as a missionary while between assignments? And if not a missionary, what? I have no job, no distinct social group, no permanent location.... so many of the little identifying details of my life are in limbo right now.

So there will be people who tell me, "your identity is in Christ". Yes. That is true, but only so helpful. Because while Christ is the core of my being, He has also made me a goal oriented person. And honestly, most of the time people say things like "You don't have to be yourself, you just have to be like Jesus" or "Your identity is in Christ" , what they are really saying is, here is my perception of Christ-like behavior, and a church you should probably identify with. That isn't a criticism. It is simply a very human trait of projecting our expectations onto other people. We all do it.

Who am I and what has become of the Melissa I used to know? Sometimes I wonder. I love my life here, but it is surrounded by people. I am never alone. And the super friendly, always smiling, energetic, ready-to-meet-new-people version of me has necessarily adapted. I'm like a laptop on battery settings.... I am conserving energy. Is this who I've become, or is it just a phase? Eh.... we'll see. I still dance and sing and smile, it's all good. Life is a process of becoming.

I was reminded the other day, of when I graduated from college. I clearly remember saying, "I once again find myself in the very healthy but uncomfortable position of having absolutely no clue what is next." And I thought of the last three times I found myself at that place. As Psalms encourages us to do, I remembered the goodness of the Lord at all those times. I remember how God placed opportunities in my life that were beyond belief, and how my life just kept taking amazing turns. And it gave me hope. I should probably have this down by now, but if I'm straightforward, I still like to feel like I'm in control.

Controlled, risk-free surrender. I think that is what I want. It's a total oxymoron though, so that is another thing I'm going to have to let go of. I'm actually a little afraid of coming back to the US. I'm afraid that everything will have changed, and at the same time, that nothing will have changed. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable, I'm afraid of not finding a niche, and I'm afraid of leaving somewhere that has been so wonderful and transformative. Actually, maybe those fears apply to anywhere, ya know? Because humans are humans no matter where we are. We sin, we lose focus, and we sometimes get so caught up in 'Christianity' that it is an act of habit, not an act of love.

So basically I've concluded that moving back to the States is outside of my comfort zone. Ah, a perfect place to be. I expect that God will shake me up a bit, and root out a few things that have settled in too deeply. I don't really know what else to expect. To date, I've had no supernatural revelations of how I should direct my steps. But oh! The mercy of the Lord as we daily rely on Him for every decision. So yeah, on a lot of levels I am trying to answer the question, "Who am I?" just like everybody else is.

I revel in the fact that God is the same, no matter which country I serve Him from. It seems incredible to me that He is big enough to boggle our minds, and yet He is unchanging. And I find myself astounded at the great wisdom of a God who understood how important it would be for us to know, "I am the Lord, I change not". Maybe who I am isn't all that important as long as I'm sure of who He is.

Some Super Things....

My last post was rather depressing. It was where I was at the moment, feeling very discouraged and a bit alone. The thing is, although I was facing quite a conglomerate of impossible-seeming situations, God never failed in His faithfulness toward me. He gave me a lot of super things in life this last two weeks.

Time with a super baby

Time with a super food (can anyone say Wasabiiiiiiiii!)

 This baby is probably the cutest baby I ever saw in my life. Please don't take offense if you also have a cute baby, but she was just a sweetheart, and snuggles from her came at just the right times. She made all sorts of hilarious faces, and brought a bright bit of joy to my difficult days.

Time with a super woman

 
It may seem insignificant, but even in a land filled with delicious foods, familiar flavors are such a comfort. I found the supplies for making California rolls, and some Wasabi powder at the grocery store. This was a first for me, constructing my own rolls. As one of my roommates put it, "The wonderful thing about eating Wasabi, is you're never quite certain you'll survive."




I also have some pretty great friends. Friends who really helped me out when I wasn't feeling the greatest, and who brightened my days and pointed me to Jesus. Friends who helped me achieve my New Year's Resolution of earning 2 free Gelattos with my customer punch card. Who let me cry in front of them, and process things a million times, and prayed for me, and checked on how I was doing. Friends who walked with me through some difficult choices and difficult days.

Time with a super man

I'm so thankful for a Super God. He has provided the finances I needed for my NARM exam, the final step in my program journey here. He provided encouragement through my church here. Also, He has begun to put some vision in my heart. The transition ahead of me feels daunting, but I have hope resting in the fact that God has really ordained this time in my life, and will direct my steps. He has also continued to restore my body and my strength so that today I am walking in health that was not mine just 2 weeks ago.

Actually, make that two super women

God has provided for my friends as well, lining up jobs and opportunities for them as they also plan to return to countries of origin. He has blessed a few friends in the States with beautiful babies of their own. He has given Joy instead of Mourning, Gladness instead of Heaviness, and Hope in the place of Despair. He has blessed my studies, my relationships, my work, and my health. Blessed be the Name of the Lord, who has made heaven and earth. Blessed be His Glorious Name. It's pretty Super to have a God of the Universe looking out for a soul like me.

On Feelings....

I feel distant.
Maybe that's because I live on the opposite side of the world from people and places I've considered home. But mostly it's not the physical things that make me feel distant. Its emotional things. Things like the fact that my sister is engaged to marry a man I barely know. That my nephew is almost 1, and I've only met him once. Maybe its things like engagement announcements, weddings, funerals, and big moments that I sometimes don't even know about for days or weeks after the fact.

I feel loved.
Some of you have really made an effort to stay in touch. I do understand the effort that requires. Thank you. Letters and cards are precious here, and packages an even more rare treat! I feel loved when God has chosen to provide my needs through you. I feel loved by random emails, and an occasional chat on Facebook. And I am told by family members that people ask about me and pray for me, and my heart is warmed.


I feel overwhelmed.
As I study and read, as I learn everything I can about babies and mothers and midwifery, I feel overwhelmed by the miracle that is birth. I feel amazed that it ever goes well, and that so many perfect babies are born when so much can go wrong. I feel overwhelmed by assignments and work and lack of sleep.I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities that open to me, and the decisions I have to make. And I feel overwhelmed in trying to figure out the practical and financial aspects of it all.

The roasted wedding pig

 I feel hopeful.
As I entertain the idea of various possibilities for my future, I feel hopeful and excited. Yes, there is some mixture in those feelings, but my overwhelming sentiment is hopefulness. I am hopeful that these next few months will be filled with adventure, excitement, and meaningful connections with people I love here. My hope is that I can wrap up my time here well.

I feel privileged.
I've become the Godmother of this little sweetie, and the midwife to about 70 others, and I feel the immense joy of that. I feel honored that God has given me this amazing opportunity to serve in this amazing culture and ministry. The people I've met here are quality individuals, many of whom really love the Lord. This is a huge joy to my heart. And I frequently participate in miracles and watch God's creative power at work.

I feel curious.
I know it may seem early to think about next steps, but the truth is, in just 3 short months, I'll be needing to take those steps. I feel curious as to what God is preparing next for me. I wonder what connections He has for me, and what country will be my next stop. I wonder why He has graciously chosen me, and what the next few years may look like. Reverse culture shock intrigues (and frightens) me a bit. I'm curious how God may choose to work in and through me as I continue to submit myself to His all-knowing plan.
Enough feelings for you? Let me know what you guys are feeling..... It'll make me feel less distant.

On Losing My Faith...

I think I might be losing my faith.

Not my faith in God, nor many of my convictions. But I think 'faith' as I used to understand it, may be due for an obituary in my life. I don't think I'll purchase a headstone, I've no wish to honor the ugly bit of pride I used to exalt in my life under the surname "Faith".

I don't know what I believe.

Yes, some things feel very sure to me. Yet, as I grow older, see more of the world, and watch God work in diverse ways, I realize more and more how very little I know. I increasingly believe that there are many ways to live a life that pleases God. And there are many things that are NOT outlined clearly in scripture.

I grew up knowing it all.

I had millions of hypothetical answers to hypothetical situations. I had scriptures to back it all up. Yet most of it was not actually true belief. It was idealistic hogwash. And I judged those who disagreed with me. I had tunnel vision, and a narrow stream of logic to back it up. Somewhere, at the source of that stream, was an obscure scripture or two that I thought proved me right.

I put God in a box.

Because I 'knew' what faith was, and how to have it, I actually limited the ways in which God could work in my life. I gave him only the options that fit into my tidy little view. It was important to me. Growing up in a Christian sub-culture that self-identified as 'the faith camp', I'd have to say that this is an issue I've heard a lot about.

And rightly so.

Without faith, we cannot even please God. So.... yeah. It should be a big deal. But I don't think the measure of our faith is defined by the results our prayers get. And some of what has been prescribed as 'walking by faith', or not seeking the 'arm of the flesh' may not be found in scripture at all. And other times we find that our lives do not line up with our understanding of scripture, even when our actions do.

Faith is vital.

But in some ways, it was made an idol. Faith was the end goal, not God. Faith made you good.... better.... more enlightened than others. Faith, defined by a specific group of people, by a specific set of actions, and a distinct way of speech. Not only by things revealed in scripture, but by rules made up by a man. My heart was lifted up with pride, and my soul was not tender toward His voice because I knew the textbook answer.

It settled my religious need.

I began to think of Christians in terms of the 'haves' and the 'have nots'. And honestly, I usually put myself in the 'haves' category. It felt good, and I had a group of people who agreed with me. I could defend my ideas down to the last jot and tittle. My sheltered little life fit my framework, and I never humbled myself to ask God if I was on the right track.

But it wasn't faith.

Really, it was religion. Pride. A superiority complex. Naivety. And God had to shake me. He had to break me. He had to turn different parts of my world upside-down and inside-out, and twist them a few times. Until I didn't know what I believed. Until nothing fit. Until it was just God, and clinging to him, giving Him everything, and trusting that what He did was right and good.

And guess what?

I'm losing my 'faith'. I am questioning everything. I find that a lot of my previous beliefs and standards for life are actually not anywhere to be found in scripture. It is completely revolutionizing the way that I think. Some of these thought patterns are so comfortable to me.... It is hard to let go. I'm finding myself concerned about whether my new ideas will be approved of by people I respect.

My motives are out of wack.

Instead of asking, "Is this scriptural?", or "Is this godly?" I have been comparing myself to man's ideals, and seeking their approval. It's so wrong. God is gently teaching me to look only to Him. Not to compose a four-step plan to multiple hypothetical situations, but to know Him and His word so well, that I behave in a way that pleases Him when these situations arise. To be humble enough to not know the answer.

So yeah, I think I'm loosing my faith. But you know?.... Maybe I'm just now beginning to find it.

On the Hokey Pokey and Cold Showers....

You put your right arm in, you put your right arm out, you put your right arm in, and you soap it all about…. 

Pretty much, taking a shower in cold water is a lot like doing the Hokey Pokey. The only difference is, it takes a lot more courage to put your whole self in.Thankfully, the weather is so warm that you don't really notice. We have a wonderful avacado green bathroom, so that makes up for the cold water while showering.

 

This little fellow showed up in my bathroom the other morning. Not to worry though, the ants were trying to take him away.

My travels, post train, were long and arduous. I met up with the group of girls who will become my 'family' in this far country. During orientation in Portland, we climbed a mountain, dipped our feet in the Pacific, and took advantage of the local Bluegrass Festival. Monday, we took to the air, managing the numerous bags that contained all of our earthly belongings. We took turns watching luggage, trying to rest, and listening for our flight announcements. Few hours of sleep (three to be precise) and lots of security lines were the things that stood out to me most. Somehow, we ended up going through security for each of our four flights. God was merciful, however, and I got through without any difficulty.

 

 Rombutan: Delicious once that hairy outside is removed.

 Following our arrival, we spent a night at a nearby island resort/beach. It was beautiful, and good to recover from jet lag and bond with the other girls and some of our staff. We had 4-7 hours of orientation both days there, but in our free time we caught starfish, swam, napped, and got to know each other. If any of you come to visit me, I can now recommend an inexpensive little resort.

I am settling into a sweet little three bedroom house, complete with 8 other women. Our neighbor's chicken likes to visit us in the morning, and especially loves to climb into our windows. Her rooster really loves mornings, and he is trying to encourage the entire neighborhood to get up and enjoy them with him. Because it is light from about 5 am to 6 pm, mornings are actually a really good time to be awake. I'm loving it.

Our humble Kitchen area.

Various forms of transportation.

I'm still getting the hang of public transportation. Basically, everyone thinks that I want a ride on whatever they're driving, so when I walk places, I get beeped at constantly. Although pedestrians technically have the right of way, we are the smallest thing on the road (or even the sidewalk if there is one... It's fair game for most vehicles from my experience) so we have to watch our backs quite literally. That's a taste of some of my first impressions and experiences. Feel free to comment, ask questions, and request pictures of certain things. I'll do my best to please!

On Joy and Sorrow...

As the train pulled away from the station, a lump grew in my throat. I watched my sister growing smaller and tried to memorize her face. I knew it would be the last time I saw her for at least a year. And the sorrow grew as I realized that in just three weeks, I would be pulling away on another train, watching my family and hometown grow to be small, distant memories. And I felt sad.

 I noticed the bruises all over myself. Thinking back to the moments they were created while playing 'Tackle Down" with my nephews, I felt so sad to know they'd be so much older next time I saw them. To realize that my niece wouldn't remember me any more when I saw her again. And I felt sad.

 
As I talked with God about my sadness...I asked Him why it had to hurt. And I felt Him speak to my heart. It is the blessings and joys that I've experienced that make me sad. It is because I've had so much good, that it is difficult to leave. So now, I am happy that I feel sad. I am trying to embrace the feelings of sorrow, remembering the joy-filled moments that cause the sorrow.
In fact, it would be much sadder if I DIDN'T feel sad. If there was nothing good to leave.
It is the amazing friends, family, and church that I have. Each relationship, a different size and shape; each taking a different place in my heart. Each a gift from God, wrapped in a unique package. I'm so thankful for each of you who has been one of God's blessings in my life. Each of you has brought joy to my days, and as a result, each of you are a part of this sorrow I feel. This joyful sorrow that symbolizes all of the love I know. Thank you God, for filling my life with wonderful people!

On This and That....

 I am now the possessor of these two fancy-dancy, uber formal, somewhat expensive pieces of paper. After sending them hither, thither, and yon, I believe they finally have enough stamps, ribbons, and gold seals to satisfy any visa examiner.

My bedroom now has a new addition. My trusty suitcase. My bookshelves are emptying, my walls look sparse. Winter clothing has found new homes, and much of my sewing/crafting stash has taken up new residence.

 Scrubs, bedsheets, and a few odd pieces of clothing have found their way into vacuum sealed travel bags. Because the time is fast approaching. This week has been full of good times with family, as we took a 'last' trip together. Goodbyes are coming closer and closer together now, and I am finding them increasingly difficult. Yet my heart is so sure. I am so confident of God's calling in this, and I stand strong in knowing that His ways are good, and He never gives more than we can handle.

Excitement is mounting day by day. I cannot wait to taste, touch, smell this new land that will become my home. I cannot wait to know the people, learn the culture, and speak the language. I cannot wait to catch babies and share Jesus day by day. Truly, this is a great work. Here am I Lord, send me.

I Dreamed a dream...

I woke up, relief flooding my body with those little prickly feelings that seep down into your fingertips.
Dreams.
Three of them... one after another.
They weren't real.
Breathe... You are NOT about to miss your train. You are NOT behind on packing. You have NOT forgotten important details.
These were a first for me, these dreams. I've dreamed of catching babies, but not of leaving. It was so real.
But I know why.
It is because of preparation.
It is because of timing.

Two months exactly.
In exactly two months and 14 minutes, I will board the train that will depart. I will leave my home and start a new chapter of my life.
I can't wait!
Most of my earthly possessions have found new homes, one way or another.
My winter clothes are gone.... another reason I lament this 50' weather today.
My room begins to look empty.
Goodbyes occur with increasing frequency.
My list of 'last times' has begun.
And every weekend is planned until I go.
I'm cherishing this time. My family. My church. My friends. My work...
And dreams  of my future.

Just an Innocent Monday....

It started as an ordinary Monday. Wake up, grab a quick breakfast, out the door to work. I pray on my way into work, prepping for my day. Traffic is heavy and I am running late. The new construction zone on the freeway ISN'T helping. All at once, traffic comes to a sudden stop. I come to a sudden stop. The squeal that means my breaks are locked.... and yet, I can't stop. The simultaneous bang of bumper against bumper, the explosion as two airbags go off near my face, and the sickening, lurching CRUNCH that was my car. In that split second, my lifestyle changed.

In the seconds that followed, 1027.43 thoughts went through my mind.

"I'm ok"

"It's totaled"

"God, you give, and you take away, blessed be your name."

"How will I get to work"

"I should call home"

And I realized my lifestyle would change.

Fast forward about two hours. I am sitting in my desk at work. I need to write an email to cancel my plans for tonight. My email opens and I see I have new messages. Suddenly, my throat constricts and my heart rate doubles as I read the subject line of one. Application Decision. I am trembling as I click the email. Oh great, an attachement.... My breath comes in short gasps now.

loading attachement......

God! I don't know if I can take this in! My silent prayers are a jumble of thoughts and feelings. I skim frantically through the letter.... Dear Melissa......pleased.......congratulations!..formally accepted. And in that split second, my life changed. The emotions, already so near the surface with all that I've already been through today threaten to take control. My hands are literally trembling. I'm going. God! You are so good! I cannot take this all in! It's too much for one day!

In that moment, eight years of waiting and praying became clear. The door was opened, and the next two years of my life are planned. In that moment I saw the cry of my heart filled. "Oh Lord, I ask for the nations."