Do You Want Her?

She was cute. That's what I thought from the second she walked in with her white and red polka-dotted dress. She was also really afraid. It took a lot of coaxing and reassurance just to walk her through the normal admittance procedure. If I'd had to guess, I would've said it was her first, but she already has a little girl. She was just so.... lost. She latched on to me pretty quickly, and thereafter never let me leave her side.

Her support person was her sister in law. A bundle of giggles, I'm not sure how much support she really was. Her interest was piqued when she found out that we had milk and Milo for the patients. She lost no time in preparing one for the patient, and another for herself. And she giggled. Really, she giggled through the whole thing. Even amidst the intensity of the baby's very emergence, she was falling off her chair in giggles and snorts. Not much help, it seemed.

But where was the husband? The father of this baby? He's not around anymore. He's gone. So when she pulled me over and had me squat down so that I was the right height for support, I knew I was all she had. I didn't scold her when she wrapped her arms around my neck and gripped tightly with the pain. I had become more than just a set of hands to welcome her baby. We prayed and we breathed and then it was time.

Nothing else existed in the moment of birth. Not the sister-in-law who was falling off her chair in giggles nearby, not the extra hands that came to help, and not the baby initiating her vocal cords in the next bed. She responded to my words of comfort and my encouragement to relax and let go of her fear. Our eyes locked, and we worked together to get that tiny girl safely into the world. A deep, deep sigh, and her head laid back and her eyes closed. Her hands found the new little one placed on her belly.

The nose was too flat. Momma kept pinching it. She told me she wanted her baby's nose to be tall like mine, so she kept pinching it. The upside is, baby just survived birth and seemed not to notice the small discomfort that was nasal reshaping therapy. I admired her baby's beauty as I began the newborn exam.

"Do you want her?"

My eyes darted to the mother's face, trying to reassure my quickening pulse that she was teasing.

"Do you want her? You can adopt her."

Her face was serious, and her sister-in-law repeated the question. I wasn't sure if I should feel flattered, horrified, or just heartbroken. And although reason tried to quell it, something deep inside me was screaming "Yes, yes, yes, YES!". Because she was precious and beautiful and I DO want a baby. Something wanted to treasure this tiny soul as she deserves to be treasured and that same something recoiled from the thought of a mother so willing to part with her new daughter.

"But she's yours, and she's perfect and she's beautiful."

"No, you can have her. You can take her to America and she can be yours."

In the absence of proper words, I defaulted to my nervous giggle. Act like its a joke. We finished up the exam and I focused on helping Momma and baby bond. Little girl was carefully cared for, even loved I think.  Probably her life will be tough with no Daddy to take care of her. I cannot change that even if I could consider adopting her. But I can pray that she will be loved. And I can trust, because I know there is One Daddy who will gladly adopt her. She will never have to ask Him "Do you want me?" because He's already signed her adoption papers with His blood.

Angkor Wat... Sequal to A Watery Adventure

There is this amazing place near Siem Reap. It covers over 400 square Km(248 sq miles). After housing empires, it was first a Hindu, then a Buddhist temple. Currently, it is both a historical site and a Wat, which is a Buddhist monastery/temple.

Angkor Wat.

For centuries, this amazing set of structures, temples, palaces, hydraulic systems, and canals was the headquarters of several different empires. Besides being massive, the place is filled with intricate carvings, statues, relief work, and architecture.

And everywhere there are the reminders that humans need God. On almost every surface there are images of different 'divine' beings. In many of the buildings there are shrines and idols. It is the largest religious monument in the world. It was erected in honor of deities, not in honor of the king or emperor.

Giant lion-like creatures guard the entrances to many of the buildings. Much like the ancient temple of Solomon would've been, every single surface of wall, ceiling, pillar, and porch was intricately decorated with stone carvings and embellishments.

This was all constructed in a time where heavy machinery was synonymous with an elephant. Yet there is still some mystery to how it was all constructed and has stayed together so well. Stone joints are carefully carved, and gravity is amazingly utilized to hold everything together. It is thought that bamboo scaffolds and pulley systems were behind much of the construction.

It is impossible to even comprehend the time and man-hours that went into this whole place. Some of the inscriptions indicate that 300,000 laborers and 6000 elephants were used in the construction of one temple alone. Massive stones, at least 5 million tons of them, were transported from a quarry about 25 miles away. They were bonded together with a vegetable compound, not mortar, making the joints almost invisible.

A common theme is the seven-headed snake god, Naga. This god represents immortality, energy, timelessness, and earth. This picture has men supporting the body of the snake god, which formed a rail along a bridge. This god is thought of as a sort of intermediary between man and the gods.

The temple below is an evidence of just how far man will go to try to reach God. There are several such temples throughout the grounds. It just speaks to the desperation we have to know our creator. To give worship to One that is Higher than ourselves.

As these structures are ancient, many are crumbling. Trees grow up through some of the temples, buildings, an walkways. The jungle-feel adds an additional element of incredible awe to the whole place. One of the palace areas has an elephant gate, and an entire walkway supported by identical columns, which goes on for hundreds of yards.

In the end, I stand awed by what men can do. At the same time, the ruin of it all... all the years, manpower, planning, work, and lives that went into this incredible place.... and now it is just ruins of what used to be. It is a reminder of human mortality and limitations. The visit reminded me once again of the vapor of our lives. While it is awe-inspiring to see what amazing things men can build and do, it is equally as awe-some to realize what humans cannot do. Despite our best efforts, we are mortal, and our physical labor ends in ruin.

While I may be over-spiritualizing the whole thing, I just felt once again how important it is to invest in eternity. How incredible it is to have a God who allows us access to Himself. It is all just a reminder to let our biggest efforts go toward things of eternal value.

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that really don't matter." - Francis Chan

Some Super Things....

My last post was rather depressing. It was where I was at the moment, feeling very discouraged and a bit alone. The thing is, although I was facing quite a conglomerate of impossible-seeming situations, God never failed in His faithfulness toward me. He gave me a lot of super things in life this last two weeks.

Time with a super baby

Time with a super food (can anyone say Wasabiiiiiiiii!)

 This baby is probably the cutest baby I ever saw in my life. Please don't take offense if you also have a cute baby, but she was just a sweetheart, and snuggles from her came at just the right times. She made all sorts of hilarious faces, and brought a bright bit of joy to my difficult days.

Time with a super woman

 
It may seem insignificant, but even in a land filled with delicious foods, familiar flavors are such a comfort. I found the supplies for making California rolls, and some Wasabi powder at the grocery store. This was a first for me, constructing my own rolls. As one of my roommates put it, "The wonderful thing about eating Wasabi, is you're never quite certain you'll survive."




I also have some pretty great friends. Friends who really helped me out when I wasn't feeling the greatest, and who brightened my days and pointed me to Jesus. Friends who helped me achieve my New Year's Resolution of earning 2 free Gelattos with my customer punch card. Who let me cry in front of them, and process things a million times, and prayed for me, and checked on how I was doing. Friends who walked with me through some difficult choices and difficult days.

Time with a super man

I'm so thankful for a Super God. He has provided the finances I needed for my NARM exam, the final step in my program journey here. He provided encouragement through my church here. Also, He has begun to put some vision in my heart. The transition ahead of me feels daunting, but I have hope resting in the fact that God has really ordained this time in my life, and will direct my steps. He has also continued to restore my body and my strength so that today I am walking in health that was not mine just 2 weeks ago.

Actually, make that two super women

God has provided for my friends as well, lining up jobs and opportunities for them as they also plan to return to countries of origin. He has blessed a few friends in the States with beautiful babies of their own. He has given Joy instead of Mourning, Gladness instead of Heaviness, and Hope in the place of Despair. He has blessed my studies, my relationships, my work, and my health. Blessed be the Name of the Lord, who has made heaven and earth. Blessed be His Glorious Name. It's pretty Super to have a God of the Universe looking out for a soul like me.

Just a lot.....

There's been a lot going on recently.... just.... a lot. All sorts of things, some better than others.
Here are some things that have happened.

• I came to the end of my academic coursework

Yep, two years of study and stress has finally wrapped up, and my focus shifts to solidifying all that I've learned in hopes of passing a board exam when I return to States. There is a lot pivoting on that crucial exam, so the pressure is on in a whole new way!

• I had two visitors from the States

Mrs. Eide and Michelle came to visit, and got a week-long taste of my life here. They came during the time we were having 4-8 hours of power outages daily, so they really got to experience the heat first-hand. It was so good to see familiar faces.

• 3 of my co-workers have been hospitalized for crazy, life-threatening things

It is a tad stressful, to say the least, when co-workers are hospitalized. We take turns staying with them 24-7, and that adds to the craziness. God has been faithful, and all three are on the mend. But a crazy autoimmune thing, appendicitis, and a very complicated pregnancy and delivery were all a bit touch-and-go for a while there.

• One of my babies required 5 minutes of resuscitation after birth 

This is just stressful no matter how you look at it. Thankfully, that baby is breathing on his own now, due to be released from the hospital where we took him after we got him going.

• I am feeling weary, and my body is begging me for a break

It is the proverbial crash at the end of a really crazy few weeks, months, or maybe years. My body has betrayed me, and I am struggling to keep up with basic life.

Honestly, friends, I am weary and in need of prayers. I see God's hand in my daily life, and I am assured of His kindness toward me. But my human frailty is daily before me, and tonight, more than usual. I covet your prayers, dear people. I need strength and wisdom and clarity. I need a peace that passes all understanding.

There's some straight up mission-field honesty for ya. Humanity and frailty at its finest. Thankfully, God is near to those who are broken, and strengthens the weak. Grace and peace to all of you.
Love,
Miss-o-wissa

A Watery Adventure (part 2)...

This is about the people. Lovely, dark-eyed, people with skin the color of perfectly creamed coffee. People from two very different places, who live alongside each other, melding customs and ways. People who work together to make life happen.

The Kami are from Cambodia originally. They have long lived on and around the lake, drawing from its many resources for sustenance. The other group is the Vietnamese. They came here as refugees, but they've stayed and built a life here. Though the communities have remained separate, intermarriage occurs, along with the borrowing of various customs and skills.

And faith. Faith seems to be similar in both groups. Buddhism, ancestor worship, and a strong fear of spirits and ghosts. Everything is seen to have spiritual origins, and those who've preceded us in death are seen to greatly impact our lives. Altars are erected in even the smallest homes to appease these spirits. Life operates on a basis of fear. Consequences. Superstition.

But there is Hope, and it is being offered. Offered by those from the outside, working alongside these people, and offered from the inside, from those who've seen Hope and Life and Light.

This little fella was about 8-9 months old. His momma didn't want him, and twice, she attempted to abort him. After the second attempt failed, she accepted her pregnancy and is now raising her little boy. He is jolly, though slightly delayed in physical development.

And this couple. A school teacher and his wife. Our hosts for out time on the lake. This beautiful couple are parents to two, and gracious in hospitality. Both are hard workers. Their love of God shows on their faces, and through every action. It was an honor to get to know them.

Every morning around 7 am, between 30-70 kids show up for school. They sit on the floor with open notebooks, all ages and grades together. They teach each other and are taught by Anhai, the school-teacher above. The chatter and energy of these kids was what we woke up to every morning.

And smiling faces greeted us with hugs and carefully drawn pictures. They taught us to count and identify colors in their mother-tongue. They showed us their mad boating skills. And they invited us to join them in the myriad of games that seem to be universal to school-aged children around the world.

I so enjoyed these beautiful people. Hospitable, friendly, and so sweet. The types of things that communicate beyond language barriers. Together we enjoyed rice and fish for every meal, and together we squatted at the barge's edge and washed dishes right into the lake.

I spent quite a bit of time with these women, as we worked together on bringing maternal healthcare to the village. We learned from each other.... customs, ways of thinking, and care techniques. We combined our knowledge and offered it in a place where medical care is sketchy at best. We talked about strategies and opportunities. We used the opportunities that arose, and offered care where we were asked to.

What a beautiful opportunity we had, crossing cultures, languages, and boarders. We saw opportunity and need. Together, these ladies and I reached out to their own in the ways we were able. Three languages, three cultures, three groups of people came together for 9 days, and we worked together to offer hope.

A Watery Adventure...

I think I'll talk about my time in Cambodia in three separate posts. This first one will focus on the place. Tonle Sap lake. This is a fresh-water lake in Cambodia, ranging from 3,000 sq. Km in the dry season, to 10,000 sq. km in the rainy season. It isn't so deep, 1-3 meters in the dry season, and up to 14 meters in the rainy season. While I was there, We actually could've walked across the entire lake.... It was only about 4 feet deep!
 

The population on this lake is immense. When I say 'on' the lake, I am not exaggerating. Sure, there are houses on stilts NEAR the lake, but there are also quite a number of villages floating out on the lake. The estimated population on the lake is around 80,000 people.

They live on boats and barges and rafts.... basically anything that floats.And even the littlest ones can paddle anything. One little boy paddled to school on a cooler lid every day.  Stores float too. And the fiberglass boat shop, and the engine repair shop. Everything is adapted to this watery lifestyle.

The lake is everything. The source of food and water and the receptacle of waste and garbage. It is work and recreation, danger and safety. That is where swimming, showering, laundry, and dishes all take place.

The main source of food is fish. Always accompanied by rice. Sometimes, the vegetable boat passes by that day, and there is some variety. Other times a turtle, snake, or bird varies the diet.



When a storm blows in, you hope and pray that the anchor will hold, lest you blow away. You bring out your pots and pans and bang loudly, hoping to scare the winds away. Every morning your view is different as your house and the houses of those around you have rotated.

And the sunsets are always beautiful, reflecting off the lake for miles. Sometimes there is peaceful serenity, but usually the sounds of motor boats, music, and neighbors are prevalent, filling the air with life. Because everyone lives closely, they share the clatter and music of daily life.

On Feelings....

I feel distant.
Maybe that's because I live on the opposite side of the world from people and places I've considered home. But mostly it's not the physical things that make me feel distant. Its emotional things. Things like the fact that my sister is engaged to marry a man I barely know. That my nephew is almost 1, and I've only met him once. Maybe its things like engagement announcements, weddings, funerals, and big moments that I sometimes don't even know about for days or weeks after the fact.

I feel loved.
Some of you have really made an effort to stay in touch. I do understand the effort that requires. Thank you. Letters and cards are precious here, and packages an even more rare treat! I feel loved when God has chosen to provide my needs through you. I feel loved by random emails, and an occasional chat on Facebook. And I am told by family members that people ask about me and pray for me, and my heart is warmed.


I feel overwhelmed.
As I study and read, as I learn everything I can about babies and mothers and midwifery, I feel overwhelmed by the miracle that is birth. I feel amazed that it ever goes well, and that so many perfect babies are born when so much can go wrong. I feel overwhelmed by assignments and work and lack of sleep.I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities that open to me, and the decisions I have to make. And I feel overwhelmed in trying to figure out the practical and financial aspects of it all.

The roasted wedding pig

 I feel hopeful.
As I entertain the idea of various possibilities for my future, I feel hopeful and excited. Yes, there is some mixture in those feelings, but my overwhelming sentiment is hopefulness. I am hopeful that these next few months will be filled with adventure, excitement, and meaningful connections with people I love here. My hope is that I can wrap up my time here well.

I feel privileged.
I've become the Godmother of this little sweetie, and the midwife to about 70 others, and I feel the immense joy of that. I feel honored that God has given me this amazing opportunity to serve in this amazing culture and ministry. The people I've met here are quality individuals, many of whom really love the Lord. This is a huge joy to my heart. And I frequently participate in miracles and watch God's creative power at work.

I feel curious.
I know it may seem early to think about next steps, but the truth is, in just 3 short months, I'll be needing to take those steps. I feel curious as to what God is preparing next for me. I wonder what connections He has for me, and what country will be my next stop. I wonder why He has graciously chosen me, and what the next few years may look like. Reverse culture shock intrigues (and frightens) me a bit. I'm curious how God may choose to work in and through me as I continue to submit myself to His all-knowing plan.
Enough feelings for you? Let me know what you guys are feeling..... It'll make me feel less distant.