Not Every Day....

Not every day is a good day.
Some contain tears.
For others
For myself.
Not all tears are bad.
But sometimes.

Not every day is a good day.
Some contain disappointment.
With others.
With myself.
And disappointment can crush.
Even resilient hearts.

Not every day is a good day.
Some contain goodbyes.
To others.
To myself.
Goodbyes are necessary.
Hellos are better.

Not every day is a good day.
Some contain mistakes.
Of others.
Of myself.
Mistakes can change lives forever.
Even innocent ones.

Not every day is a good day.
Some days are.
For others.
For myself.
Good days should be cherished.
Especially on bad days.

How Can I Explain....

How can I explain....

I gently lay my hands on a full rounded belly, trying to ascertain the position of the little one inside. In response to my touch, the baby kicks. It's like a conversation with a miniature person I have not yet seen, and who has no power of speech. My eyes meet the eyes of the mother lying before me, and we share a sweet smile.

How can I explain....

I look through the chart. Her 'Risk Status' tells me that she has already been with multiple partners. Her Gram Stain results tell me that one of them has left her a nasty infection, and her doctor referral tells me she's been treated. I look at her. She tells me that she still has symptoms, in spite of her treatments, and that this pregnancy is uncomfortable for her. And she's 15 years old.

How can I explain....

I place the fetoscope on the belly of another young mommy and it sounds like there's more than one heartbeat. My hand rests lightly on her belly, beside the bell of my fetoscope and I feel it too. Then I come to realize... I'm hearing and feeling the hiccups of the itsy bitsy human inside.

How can I explain....

 I greet a tiny mommy, not even 5 feet tall. She doesn't look as young as the others, yet I gasp when I read that this is her 11th pregnancy. Her beautiful tummy does not even exhibit stretch marks. I could've believed this was her first baby. And it seems the whole family lives off an income of $5 per day.


How can I explain....

 I glance around the room filled with 60 pregnant women, listening as their voices combine in a praise song. Beautiful, Filipina voices singing in their native tongue. Singing songs they've learned in this place I work. This place that exists for the very purpose of bringing others to sing with us in honor of our God.

How can I explain....

I cannot help but love every moment of my life. How can I explain it? These amazing experiences all happened within the space of one day, and yet every day holds these sorts of emotionally charged occurrences. And try as I might, I really cannot explain it. I cannot explain the intensity of joy and sadness in this life I live. And through it all, the intensity of my wonder at the greatness of the God I love.

I Believe in Purgatory....

....I've been there.
Yes, and I am there. My life consists of two worlds, and presently I'm in limbo between them, sleeping on airport floors in multiple Asian nations (one at a time, of course). I'm at the mercy of the 'powers that be' who decide whether such-and-such a flight is full enough to fly.
The trouble is, I cannot get out.
 And as I sit here, waiting for the last leg of my journey, the layover time increases and an extra flight is added to our travel plan. I feel like just a few good deeds and a few prayers would get me out... Just like purgatory. And maybe if I'm really, really good, I'll finally make it to my home.
Home.... I cannot wait.

Why Not Me?

Why not me?

I have asked this question, or some version of it throughout my life. I think it started as a kid, when I wasn't allowed to do something, or go somewhere. When my older sisters were allowed to do something exceptionally wonderful, or my younger siblings were still young enough to participate in a certain coveted activity

Why not me?

I have asked this question when I watched people I love going through horrible, difficult things, yet my life was untouched. When friends hurt so badly and all I could do was offer my tears, hugs, and support. And when I faced situations to which there was no good answer.

Why not me?

I have asked this question when I watched other follow their dreams, travel the world, and share the gospel while I sat at home, learning to be content with local ministry. When I had unfulfilled longings and desires that seemed so good to me.

Why not me?

I have asked this question when I saw someone blessed, but not content with their blessings. When friends despised their life situations I craved so badly, and when my blessings would have been their desire.

Why not me?

I have asked this question when I read scriptures about people doing miracles, seeing God's power, and saving souls. When my life didn't display the power I see promised in the Word, and when I had compassion for people whose lives I wanted to impact.

Why not me?

I have asked this question in my prayers and journals as I seek God to use me in bigger, bolder, and more impacting ways. When I knew there was more and I wanted it. When I wanted healing hands and supernatural words for others.

Why not me?

Now it is a prayer, an anguished plea, a hungering desire. God, I see all this lack, pain, and darkness in the world. I see souls who need Jesus. I see heartache and bitterness and hopelessness. Who will go? Who will love them? Who will tell them about Jesus? Who will bind up their wounds and bring the salve of love to their broken souls? Who will set the captives free?

Why not me?

On Magnet People....

"He's like one of my magnet people, ya know?"

She was trying to explain how well they got along. The description was perfect. The inexplicable attraction between two people, the automatic gravitation towards one another, the 'click'. Between  some people friendship is just effortless.

Those people about whom you are always interested and with whom you always feel at ease. These rare gifts that come into your life at the most unexpected times. They nourish the soul, challenge the spirit, and refresh the mind. These are the ones who know how to be firm with you, but have the gentle graces necessary for you to really hear what they are saying.

These are the ones that you can laugh with. Gut wrenching, gasping, unladylike, snort-inducing laughs. And the ones you can cry with. Blubbering, makeup-smudging, nose dripping, ugly crying.

With these special souls one needn't explain one's sense of humor. It is difficult to feel annoyed with them, and their opinion is treasured... not easily disregarded. These people intuitively understand your soul, and can confront you to your core without destroying you.





A magnet person can question everything you ever believed in, yet somehow they are not questioning your faith. Their lives teach you how to love, how to grow, and how to admit failure and human need. These are the ones with which we can fearlessly share our dreams because they will be addressed with insight, cherished, and nurtured. Our thought processes don't need to be articulated, because they are followed.

When you find one of your magnet people, you are able to say more with a glance than most could be made to understand in an hour of fine oration. You are able to feel the condition of each other's hearts without words. I groups, magnet people tend to migrate towards one another. They enable those around them to feel at ease because of the comfort created by their friendship.

A couple wonderful times in life, we are gifted with magnet people. One walked into shift a bit ago, and we've been treasuring the few months that we'll have together.

On Losing My Faith...

I think I might be losing my faith.

Not my faith in God, nor many of my convictions. But I think 'faith' as I used to understand it, may be due for an obituary in my life. I don't think I'll purchase a headstone, I've no wish to honor the ugly bit of pride I used to exalt in my life under the surname "Faith".

I don't know what I believe.

Yes, some things feel very sure to me. Yet, as I grow older, see more of the world, and watch God work in diverse ways, I realize more and more how very little I know. I increasingly believe that there are many ways to live a life that pleases God. And there are many things that are NOT outlined clearly in scripture.

I grew up knowing it all.

I had millions of hypothetical answers to hypothetical situations. I had scriptures to back it all up. Yet most of it was not actually true belief. It was idealistic hogwash. And I judged those who disagreed with me. I had tunnel vision, and a narrow stream of logic to back it up. Somewhere, at the source of that stream, was an obscure scripture or two that I thought proved me right.

I put God in a box.

Because I 'knew' what faith was, and how to have it, I actually limited the ways in which God could work in my life. I gave him only the options that fit into my tidy little view. It was important to me. Growing up in a Christian sub-culture that self-identified as 'the faith camp', I'd have to say that this is an issue I've heard a lot about.

And rightly so.

Without faith, we cannot even please God. So.... yeah. It should be a big deal. But I don't think the measure of our faith is defined by the results our prayers get. And some of what has been prescribed as 'walking by faith', or not seeking the 'arm of the flesh' may not be found in scripture at all. And other times we find that our lives do not line up with our understanding of scripture, even when our actions do.

Faith is vital.

But in some ways, it was made an idol. Faith was the end goal, not God. Faith made you good.... better.... more enlightened than others. Faith, defined by a specific group of people, by a specific set of actions, and a distinct way of speech. Not only by things revealed in scripture, but by rules made up by a man. My heart was lifted up with pride, and my soul was not tender toward His voice because I knew the textbook answer.

It settled my religious need.

I began to think of Christians in terms of the 'haves' and the 'have nots'. And honestly, I usually put myself in the 'haves' category. It felt good, and I had a group of people who agreed with me. I could defend my ideas down to the last jot and tittle. My sheltered little life fit my framework, and I never humbled myself to ask God if I was on the right track.

But it wasn't faith.

Really, it was religion. Pride. A superiority complex. Naivety. And God had to shake me. He had to break me. He had to turn different parts of my world upside-down and inside-out, and twist them a few times. Until I didn't know what I believed. Until nothing fit. Until it was just God, and clinging to him, giving Him everything, and trusting that what He did was right and good.

And guess what?

I'm losing my 'faith'. I am questioning everything. I find that a lot of my previous beliefs and standards for life are actually not anywhere to be found in scripture. It is completely revolutionizing the way that I think. Some of these thought patterns are so comfortable to me.... It is hard to let go. I'm finding myself concerned about whether my new ideas will be approved of by people I respect.

My motives are out of wack.

Instead of asking, "Is this scriptural?", or "Is this godly?" I have been comparing myself to man's ideals, and seeking their approval. It's so wrong. God is gently teaching me to look only to Him. Not to compose a four-step plan to multiple hypothetical situations, but to know Him and His word so well, that I behave in a way that pleases Him when these situations arise. To be humble enough to not know the answer.

So yeah, I think I'm loosing my faith. But you know?.... Maybe I'm just now beginning to find it.

Homecoming Dance....

I leave this country in 8 days. That creates mixed feelings in my heart. I actually have to be completely honest and mention that I'm not really doing a homecoming dance. I feel really torn.... Because as much as I love all my friends and family in the states, this place here is SO RIGHT for me. My heart is settled here, and I love every moment. I really have waves of joy and excitement multiple times per day when I think about how God has placed me here. I grin like a fool often.

This is my life!

 

It's so hard to believe. After 8.5 years of waiting, I have my first 'field assignment'. I feel that every one of my dreams has been handed me on a platter. The words of a song I sang in gospel choir run through my mind. "God Favors Me". My life is unmistakeably directed by a loving author. I feel that God HAS given me the desires of my heart. He has both shaped my desires, and then fulfilled them.

It is incredible.


It is just so impossibly perfect. I was created for this place, and it was created for me. The colors, music, the emotion, the friendliness.... I love every minute of it. It is like living in a musical. It's ok to sing and dance at any emotion, in any location. So clearly, I fit in perfectly. It is ok to wear bright clothing and bright lipstick. It is ok to laugh often and uproariously. It is ok to be openly affectionate with friends and co-workers.

 I love this place.

  I feel that I daily glimpse parts of my future, I regularly see ways in which God has prepared me for this place... All my life. The excitement of being here, and the anticipation of where God will take me next are overwhelming at times. I cannot even comprehend the wonderful things which He has prepared for me. I pinch myself all the time, just trying to realize this whole wonderful thing is true.

But I'm torn.

I have such wonderful people in my old life in the States too. This godly family who all love me so much. A church full of people who love God and inspire me to godliness. A group of friends who stand beside me, pray for me, and send me uplifting messages here on the other side of the world.

I am so blessed.

I look forward to returning to my childhood home, but I have two homes now. I really have a home here as well, and I look forward to returning to this home as well.  To a new place that my heart has found refuge and comfort. A new place my heart has found people to love. A new place where I belong.

I belong.

So yeah, I'm excited to visit the States, but that's exactly what I feel that this is.... a visit. I don't quite feel like I'm coming home. It is a bit confusing to my heart. The reverse culture shock, all the hello's and goodbye's, and the extreme month of transition... it feels a bit daunting. Yet I'm happy. I'm so excited to see all of you. To hug you, to laugh with you, and hear what God is doing with you and in you. It will be a new and different experience for me.

A whole new adventure.