A Lament

Where is the God that heals? When and why does He show up, demonstrating the power of His name to me? Why does He seem to leave me high and dry at times? The church of Christ must grow, but how does that happen without power? If He doesn’t show up in power, why? On the one hand, God chooses to respond to humans and their faith, and on the other hand, God will accomplish His purposes in spite of me. So where do these apparent failures fit in? They certainly cannot be His failure, so what IS the failing point? Failure…. Of something. What? Maybe failure of my faith? My failure to see the situation in the fullness that He does, and therefore to ask for the right thing? A failure of asking according to His will? A failure to ask with right motives?

How do I ask you again, God, for things you’ve promised, even when last time you didn’t seem to answer? How do I have confidence that you will act this time, in spite of what appears to be failure last time? And what do I do with it if/when you don’t seem to show up, or at least not in the ways you’ve promised? I realize you will defend your own name, but I don’t even see that happening to the degree I think it should. Please God! Come defend Your name! Show yourself to the world as God, the one who heals. All powerful one, conquering death, destruction and sickness. Deliverer who sets us free from addiction, mental illness, and depression. Come show me your finger-prints though I am too weak to see your face.

God, don’t forsake me! You said you won’t, that you never will. But I feel forsaken. Emotions don’t dictate who I am or who You are, but they do still demand to be felt. How do I feel these things in ways that honor You? How do I hold the truth that says You will, when what I see with my eyes says You haven’t… maybe you won’t? How do I lean into Your love, when it feels like betrayal? Maybe I expected You to hold my hand when You chose to shadow me with Your wings? Maybe I didn’t see, with eyes of gratitude, the prayers You did answer, because I was so focused on getting my way in the area You were asking me to wait. Or did you ask me to surrender it all together? Can full surrender to You include giving over to Your way and Your plan, or am I just giving up my faith? Making You a way of escape (as though You need help) with “if it be thy will” and “even if You 

don’t”?

You are not a man-made god like Baal. You do not sleep, vacation, pause to think, or relieve Yourself. You are a God who sees, a God who hears, a God willing to stoop and wrestle with me as you did with Jacob. God, I trust you. I don’t even know how, but I trust you.  I say with the Centurion, and with many others through the years, “Lord I believe…help my unbelief.” You, good God, caring, gentle, kind, just, faithful, and holy, are my God.