Trying to process through the idea that in 3.5 months, I will leave everyone and everything I've ever known. Understanding that EVERY relationship in my life will unavoidably experience a major shift. Yet being comforted in the fact that my God never changes.
I've been grieving.
Grieving the relationships I will not be able to maintain. Feeling so torn: Between violently pursuing my friendships and creating hundreds of memories to take with me. And also not wanting to feel closer to anyone.... because it will hurt to let go. Praying for courage to wisely invest in my relationships, and to love in spite of how it will hurt.
I've been Understanding.
Facing the serious illness of two grandparents. The impending marriages of several friends. Rejoicing with the news my friends' of growing families. And Understanding. Life will never be the same. There will be no 'normal' to return to.
I've been cherishing.
Cherishing afternoons like this. Because this is a unique time in my life. A time I cannot recreate.
Cherishing this family that has been faithful to God. These amazing people that have taught me so much about living and loving. So much about God.
Cherishing this sister of mine. Who has found a way to be one of my closest friends, in spite of how different we are. An amazing woman of God who has been one of the biggest supporters of this new adventure.
And realizing how blessed I am.
There is a lump in my throat as I type this. Because the word 'goodbye' is starting to have a new meaning for me.
So there you have it: True confessions from a missionary-to-be. A heart torn between the beauty and excitement of throwing itself into this amazing calling, and the pain and grief of all that will be sacrificed as a result. A heart struggling to understand how love can pull it in so many directions at once.
So well said... As I prepare for the same journey I just want you to know that you are not alone... I have been experiencing all of the same feelings and could not have stated it better. I will be praying for you and although the goodbye is going to be so much harder than we can imagine, I am looking forward to how God will use us as we join together on this journey.
ReplyDeleteGood byes are hard and I wish I could tell you they get easier, but in my experience they do not. It just changes and we grow to trust God more fully in the goodbyes and the hope we have in Him. Eternity awaits us, if this is all there was, I could not do it. But there is more and we are not yet home :) I really enjoy your blog posts, you write well :)
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